Poetry and art as a healing mechanism ..

I have moved house and even after being here for 8 months I'm still sorting and unpacking some of my storage stuff. Sorting and rearranging my studio because it just doesn't quite fit how I'd like ...not as user friendly as I'd prefer which means I don't use it as much and that is a sure sign of not being comfortable. 

So this week I am taking time to rearrange and sort more of my stash of bits n bots gems beads bolts driftwood paints tools paper supplies ephemera etc etc etc . .. Do you have a big stash of toys n tools that you love.?

Going through one box that's been in storage for a few years I've come across old notes, scribbled designs, some sketches and some poetry and musings on my life at the time. 

Poetry through the pain... Hmm maybe that should have been my title for this post? Oh well ..

I studied art therapy a few years ago and found it to be a thoroughly fascinating form of therapy and psychology... Utilizing our subconscious minds to tap into our deep seated emotions fears pain passions etc. . To communicate those feelings without sitting in a bleak bland office and "telling" someone about it ,which can be difficult at the best of times, this form of psychotherapy allows things to come about in a far more gentle and supported way without the pressure to dig up what hurts and divulge your deepest darkest secrets.

So whilst unpacking I found a couple of old poems I thought I'd share with you all.

I was escaping a very treacherous volatile relationship with a fine upstanding pillar of the business world and local community and it had taken its toll over many years... The bruises aren't always visible but believe me they are there. 

Just a warning it may not be "pretty" but it's real raw and passionate and writing it helped me pour out some of the pain onto the paper instead of keeping it secret and bottled up inside.

I have reached the threshold of what I can contain 

Too many bitter comments have pierced and penetrated my brain

I don't meet your stranglehold stringent criteria 

I'm treated like a child,when you abuse me, in a wild hysteria.

Yet my feelings and emotions are valid 

My feelings and emotions are real

If i could escape, have peace and space I'd find that freedom and learn to heal 

A big warm family home to call my own 

The ability to start again, be the me I've always known 

All I want is to be myself and to help others in this world

A place to be, a sanctuary ...where I can be strong valid happy and free

I don't wan to be your whipping boy or indeed your whipping girl

I want to be seen and loved just for me not a piece of useless rubbish, but a unique and valuable pearl

I am not so ruined as you say to be discarded and tossed away, onto a rubbish pile

I'm just a woman who's been torn apart and is broken down inside

I want to be able to breathe again to be excited by life, be happy and to smile

Not the person who cops abuse who hurts so bad she feels no use and wants to curl up and die

I'm torn between starting and believing in my goals and dreams 

To ridding the earth and the universe of my rotten and broken soul, to let my pain my sadness my shame at last become unseen..

Behind the mask and facade of my strength and my happy go lucky smile

Is a woman who shattered like a broken vase a broken little child

I'm trying to recycle that broken glass

To rebuild my splintered soul and shattered heart

Like a teddy bear with its arm ripped of and it's stuffing pulled apart

Part of me (very small indeed) believes I deserve and need a start

No more yelling no more pain no more false accusations and hurtful blame

I want to be a happy free successful me and to be no longer drained.

So there it is poetry through the pain... I'm still healing and sometimes those that have such an emotional stranglehold on us aren't so quick to let the power and control over us go but I'm in an infinitely better place than I was back then.

Even through the massive trauma of surviving that relationship I'm grateful in some ways for the experience though ..... um universe if it's ok with you now I think I've learnt enough about bad relationships abuse betrayal deception neglect abandonment and controlling guys now to last an infinity so let's move on to some happy lessons now please. ;-)

When things aren't right with you or your inner or outer world what do you do ? What is your outlet ? 

Do you paint do you write do you dance do you fight ...what is your outlet ? 

I truly hope you all have one or are able to find a way ... Don't bottle it up inside, please don't do that dear readers because it leads to the inevitable ... A breakdown and that takes years to recover from and in some very sad cases there is no recovery as people feel there is no hope and take their own lives. .. I know I tried. 

So here I am a survivor of sorts who feels that even with the unfortunate heavy ugly "Stigma" still associated with emotional breakdowns ,suicide attempts and mental health issues it's best to be honest and speak openly about these things ... Maybe just maybe by not hiding my experiences it will help someone else. I still carry that guilt and shame but am trying day by day to not let it define me or worry about others judgements of my past, because lets be honest that haven't lived my life or my pain, they haven't lived yours so don't let society define you or box you up and label you as faulty or inferior.

I have found that by expressing my pain through my art I am better able to deal with it...not having family as such or family I've been able to rely on or share my experiences with my art has been my only steadfast ally in life, well that and training at the gym oh and of course let's not forget the delightful serotonin hit of  chocolate ;-)

There seems to be a lot more awareness of emotional and mental health issues today than there were years ago where poor little children were institutionalized in adult psychiatric wards simply for rocking the selves to sleep in orphanages and government homes. 

We have come a long way ... But we still have a way to go in supporting people suffering that silent agonizing ache of depression and speaking openly without shame or fear of job loss or reprisals. 

So if you are experiencing that haunting isolation of depression or traumatic automatic full  HD colour sound replay of painful events in your life through the challenge of  PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) Or in fact any mental health issue I urge you to find a healthy way of expressing your hurts haunts and harrowing experiences maybe through music art singing dancing fitness or meditation... 

If you don't have the support of family or friends and find yourself alone in this world at the moment please know you are never truly alone, trust me others are feeling your pain somewhere out there and if we all  try to connect we can help heal each other.

If you are alone don't let that stop you from reaching out or asking for help as hard as that can be.. try the anonymous ether of the Internet ...there are many helpful websites avail now that can be of benefit....  Google Beyond blue, The black dog institute, Lifeline, Grow.net.au, headspace etc...

A simple type into google of online mental health support rings up a plethora of sites to look into. 

Well dear readers I bid you adieu for now and wish you peace health happiness and abundance.

Grow those wings of yours and fly...