Feel the fear and do it anyway ... Getting lost is how we get found.

So ok I haven't been on here in well ..... Aaages I know and I'm sorry mostly to myself because I doubt that I yet have followers of my ramblings and life musings and I sorely wish that were to change. 

Why hasn't it? Well honestly because I let fear rule me. 

Urghh I know... that yucky old self sabotaging fear that tells you your not right, not ready, not good enough, not pretty enough, not talented enough, not skinny enough , not quite right. Etc etc 

Well it's time to face down that bad boy and give him a serve of "juicy wild woman" how the hell do you know attitude. !! 

I'm trying to (note trying, not loving it but I know it's good for me) to FEEL these yucky emotions and give them space room and acknowledgement. That way I'm not busy keeping distracted and busy whilst hiding from them and playing the avoidance game. Which we all know leads to a deeper sense of blerghhh-ness and a deep uneasiness in our souls where we just don't feel quite right. 

This is the effect it has on me anyway... I put on my happy girl, busy girl mask and think I'm fooling everyone especially myself but in those quiet moments oh dear do I come to realize the truth. 

Dealing with depression already it makes it worse, I find, to hide from my emotions.

It tends to strip all colour from my life (like the photo below) and I realize I'm not fooling anyone. 

So what to do about it?

Well I'm trying a new tact that a lot of self help psychologist types recommend, that is to allow yep you heard it right ALLOW the feelings in even make space for them... Sit with them over tea and let them speak, not unlike an unwelcome houseguest you are polite for ...but listen ... Breathe and listen to the emotions and fears spilling from your soul and give it space to say what it needs to say. 

Then reflect for a time to see if these things really resonate with you ? Do they .? I mean deep down. 

Most of the time you will find your fears are yelling so big and loud they are utterly overwhelming but really if you look closely .... Peer waaaay into that space, you will discover that the voice is coming from a tiny little scared child hiding away inside you. It doesn't need scolding it needs comfort and reassurance. Hold onto it and calm it soothe it ( not unlike a tantrum throwing child ) be firm but loving and take each fear and remind it of its strengths ... Your strengths. Bit by bit one by one you will see that those fears are a magnified out of proportion tiny issue that can be easily worked on or resolved. Strengthened to no longer be a worry or completely removed from the fear file in your head. 

Ok so how about a little transparency? 

What are your fears and are you prepared to acknowledge them to bring them into the light so you can see them for what they truly are and work on transforming them ? 

Mine ... Ok here goes 

1. That I'm not good enough ( um for who for what -even as I type this and bring it into the light I see some of the silliness in it ) 

2. That my art isn't good enough ... Again who for ? 

3. That I can't be a success 

4. That I'm not skinny enough 

5. That I'm not pretty enough 

6. That I'm not good enough to be accepted into my dream course " bachelor of indigenous art" at Qld College of Art (QCA) geeze I've been saying this and secretly wishing for it for I've 6 six years now. Urgh get over it and try. ;) 

My first road block was I hadn't yet proved my indigenous heritage for my certificate of aboriginality 

( that was anotherhuuuuge issue and fear - but I've done it now again after years of wasted fear and doubt ) 

7. That if I try to open an arty business online and at the markets that I won't get customers ... Won't afford the costs to set up, nobody will buy or like my work, I will fail miserably therefore proving everyone who ever doubted me or ESP one ex partner right !!  

8. That I'm not destined for abundance or success 

9. That I will look like a fool or an egotist for thinking I had the right to try ...ESP as I'd love to be an art therapist /life coach and help people heal. To improve to grow to overcome. Who am I to think I'm good enough clever enough etc ... Who would want to listen to me or my advice ... Even blogging ! 

10. That I'm not a good lovable person worthy. that's a big one from my childhood. 

Well there you go it's out there in the daylight ... Ooh it's a vulnerable feeling. It's not entirely comfortable but it's also not as scary as I thought. 

Now will you work on your issues with me ? 

Share if you can .. 

I'd love to help ( no judgements here ) 

Xx much love gypsy Mel